umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
not ubering you a puppy
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
