booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
