Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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