and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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