Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
