I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
