do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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