i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i now understand why vodka
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
