just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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