I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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