Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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