my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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