I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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