if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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