Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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