Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
