Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
