They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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