you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
