I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
