why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
