i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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