I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
