i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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