I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You made out with two different species that night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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