...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
