My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
