You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
