She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
