Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
