So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
