I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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