i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
