Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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