I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just cropdusted the office
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
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All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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