in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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