he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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