I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
