atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
