The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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