I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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