i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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