: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Randomize
