meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
