There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
