You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm both gender and math confused
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
