We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
