If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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