I just made out with a guy for $7.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
