There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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