If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
