i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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