If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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