OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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