It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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