please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
