why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
