and next time when you feel me up, do it right
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
